This post has been sitting in my drafts for a few months now, but as my anxiety is at it's worse today, I thought it would be fitting to post it. Ironically, the thought of posting this is making me anxious, but here goes. Some days I can’t get out of bed. Not because I’m physically unwell, but because I’m mentally unwell. I’m too anxious to leave. The thought of having to go outside, makes my heart beat out of my chest. In fact, even talking about it is making my heart beat out of my chest. Everything seems to make me anxious in the outside world. From the littlest thing such as a door slamming, to busy overcrowded cities. I have panic attacks in public, crowded areas, so city centres are a ‘no go’ most of the time. I also have a car, but I rarely drive it. I’m too anxious to get in the car, as I fear I will crash, stall or break down.
I can't have a normal sleep pattern, as I'm up all night worrying about the next thing, or things I may have said previously. I cancel on job interviews, as the anxiety gets too much, and leaves me physically unable to take part. I’ve recently had to drop out of a work placement, because I was too anxious to do a 9–5 job. Not only was I anxious, but it also caused me to have physical symptoms. Symptoms which I still have now, as the doctors believe it could of triggered a condition called M.E. I use to cry every morning before I went, and cry of a night time when I got back. It wasn’t because I hated it, I loved it, but it made me so physically tired. It’s literally crippling.
I also can’t drink alcohol anymore, as it makes my symptoms ten times worse. The interaction between alcohol and my medication, makes me do things that I would never normally think of doing. So until I’m off my medication, the alcohol is a no go area for me. I also have to limit my caffeine intake, as that also makes my anxiety worse and causes me to think abnormally.
I regularly have to cancel on friends, as sometimes even just the idea of socialising, or being in a crowded or loud place, heightens my anxiety. In turn, this leads to me feeling extremely depressed. I sit and cry, as I want to be normal. I want to be a normal 20 year old, who can drink and go to clubs, who can drink endless cups of coffee, who can socialise all the time, who can live off no sleep, who can hold down a 9–5. But unfortunately, I can’t. I guess the sooner I accept that, the happier I will be.