3.12.15

An insight into how anxiety affects my life



This post has been sitting in my drafts for a few months now, but as my anxiety is at it's worse today, I thought it would be fitting to post it. Ironically, the thought of posting this is making me anxious, but here goes. Some days I can’t get out of bed. Not because I’m physically unwell, but because I’m mentally unwell. I’m too anxious to leave. The thought of having to go outside, makes my heart beat out of my chest. In fact, even talking about it is making my heart beat out of my chest. Everything seems to make me anxious in the outside world. From the littlest thing such as a door slamming, to busy overcrowded cities. I have panic attacks in public, crowded areas, so city centres are a ‘no go’ most of the time. I also have a car, but I rarely drive it. I’m too anxious to get in the car, as I fear I will crash, stall or break down.

I can't have a normal sleep pattern, as I'm up all night worrying about the next thing, or things I may have said previously. I cancel on job interviews, as the anxiety gets too much, and leaves me physically unable to take part. I’ve recently had to drop out of a work placement, because I was too anxious to do a 9–5 job. Not only was I anxious, but it also caused me to have physical symptoms. Symptoms which I still have now, as the doctors believe it could of triggered a condition called M.E. I use to cry every morning before I went, and cry of a night time when I got back. It wasn’t because I hated it, I loved it, but it made me so physically tired. It’s literally crippling.

I also can’t drink alcohol anymore, as it makes my symptoms ten times worse. The interaction between alcohol and my medication, makes me do things that I would never normally think of doing. So until I’m off my medication, the alcohol is a no go area for me. I also have to limit my caffeine intake, as that also makes my anxiety worse and causes me to think abnormally.
 
I regularly have to cancel on friends, as sometimes even just the idea of  socialising, or being in a crowded or loud place, heightens my anxiety. In turn, this leads to me feeling extremely depressed. I sit and cry, as I want to be normal. I want to be a normal 20 year old, who can drink and go to clubs, who can drink endless cups of coffee, who can socialise all the time, who can live off no sleep, who can hold down a 9–5. But unfortunately, I can’t. I guess the sooner I accept that, the happier I will be.
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35 comments

  1. Thank you for sharing your story. I know it's difficult but I find post like this to be very eye-opening & educational. My friend suffers from anxiety as well so posts like this can actually be beneficial for me to help her. :]

    // ▲ itsCarmen.com ▲

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  2. I hope that you know that you're doing an amazing job by sharing your experience. Thank you so, so much!

    Anxiety really is a debilitating condition. I also sometimes get the feeling that I'm missing out on life because of this. Even though acceptance has played a major part in geting my life under control again, I still get those I'm-not-normal days fairly frequently.

    Hope that you'll feel better soon! x

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    1. Aw thank you, it means a lot. Yes I definitely get that too! Thanks lovely, & I hope you feel better soon too x

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  3. I wish you could see what we all see, that you are a truly beautiful soul inside and out. I know you will get better and your writing is helping so many others. So very proud of you darling xxx

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  4. Thank you so much for opening up and sharing your heart through your writing! Even though it can be a lonely battle, know that you aren't alone. I really feel for you as my mental health has been a constant battle for my entire life, it really is frustrating when all you want is to feel like a normal, functioning 20-something. Keep fighting your fight, I admire your strength! xo

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    1. Thanks lovely , it means a lot! Yes definitely, so frustrating! Thanks so much, hope you're all okay too x

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  5. This is so strange because this is EXACTLY the same as me! I am 20 years old and had to quit my job because I spend every single hour of the day anxious. I always cancel on my friends because I don't want to have another panic attack. Like you I want to be a normal 20 year old!
    Thanks so much for writing this post and you definitely are not alone.
    If you ever need anyone to talk to I'm @abigalewade on Twitter xx

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    1. Ah bless you, I'm sorry to hear that! Thanks lovely means a lot xx

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  6. I suffer from anxiety too it's so beneficial when you can relate with someone about it!
    Chloe xx
    http://chloebee1.blogspot.co.uk

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  7. anxiety can be such an awful thing to deal with. i have to put up with it when i'm travelling, the idea of getting on a train by myself literally makes me cry, same with not knowing where i'm going. it's awful. my bf is on medication for it too, as he ended up with night terrors due to it. sharing this post will help a lot of people!

    from helen at thelovecatsinc.com

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    1. I'm the exact same - public transport is awful for me! Thank you! x

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  8. It's SO brave of you to put it out there - I hope you're feeling well now. Anxiety is more terrible than a physical illness. You can go and talk about a disease to a doctor, but anxiety isn't something like that.

    Noor | Noor's Place

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    1. Thank you lovely! I really don't think you can compare physical & mental illness', as they both are terrible things, but I know it can be difficult to talk to a doctor about a mental illness! x

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  9. You're very brave for sharing this on here and I applaud you for that. Posts like this are so important to help others to help you and everyone else who is in the same situation. Anxiety is one of those things that a lot of people struggle to get their head around so this was a very insightful and honest post to read.

    http://IAmLinderella.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Aw thank you lovely! I appreciate it xx

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  10. You're such a stong person hun! <3 Sending you much love
    Nati xx

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  11. You should be very proud of yourself for sharing such a personal story with us and letting us into your world, even if it did make you very anxious. I really hope you can help others with this post & your bravery xx

    Beauty with charm

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  12. Thanks for sharing your story. It's always weirdly helpful to know you're not the only one going through something.

    Whilst my anxiety isn't as severe as yours, I suffer from bouts of depression which I think manifested into anxiety, judging by the sudden (scary) heart palpitations I started to get! I get them sometimes at work too, when I have 50 people come up to me asking to do something at the same time, when my in-tray is already overflowing. So I totally get how it can affect you in your daily life.

    I too sometimes find it stressful going to the city centre when it's too crowded. I try to go early (say 10.30am on a Sunday) where it's a littler quieter due to later open times, you could possible try that.

    I think sometimes anxiety comes from us being over-thinkers and over-analysers. It's like a blessing (makes you insightful) and a curse at the same time.

    – Lubna | The Digital Review

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    1. I'm sorry to hear that! Yes I totally get where you're coming from. I'm a definite over-thinker & analyser x

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  13. This made me so sad to read Beckie! You're just so lovely and it's really unfair that you have to go through all this - I really hope you can find a way to feel as well as possible. It was brave writing this post but I'm sure you've helped a lot of people -both those with anxiety and people who don't understand what it's like. But most of all I hope it helped you by getting it all written down here!

    Always here if you wanna chat xx

    Josie | Sick Chick Chic

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    1. Ah bless you! Thanks so much. Yes it really has, I feel much better for it! Thanks lovely xx

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  14. It's crazy how many people are suffering with some form of mental problem whether that be from a really minor anxiety to a severe depression etc. Just remember you are not alone and it will get better!

    It's a relief for me, too, to hear more people come out and talk about their problems too - it's the realisation that I'm not a freak for struggling with the little things in life, and that I'm not alone! So thanks for sharing your story


    Jodie @ Jodetopia xx

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  15. I feel your pain, I've been diagnosed with depression and I have no idea what I have to be depressed about until a family friend told me to get my thyroid checked. It causes mood swings and all kind of other symptoms like my sweaty palms- which I've lived with all of my life! I've done some research and a lot of the symptoms I have are related to a thyroid problem- it regulates so much in your body! 30 million Americans suffer from it but 15 million are not diagnosed! Please go get it checked; I called my doctor and made an appointment as soon as she gave me this information- my appt. is next week! This post has given me the courage to blog about it! Thank you. xx

    Rhenicia | Beauty By Rhenicia

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    1. Ooh I'll definitely get it checked! Thank you. I'm gad it's gave you the courage lovely! I hope everything is okay your end xx

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  16. I can relate to this so much!! I suffer with anxiety and I too feel this way constantly, I have never been able to get a job, I've had to quit driving lessons, I've not undergone hospital and dentist treatments because of it, I find it impossible to talk to new people, every little thing is hard for me, from ringing someone, to getting on public transport. It's really difficult and I'm not coping very well I'm left feeling really depressed. I'm sorry to hear about you suffering with anxiety, it's absolutely awful. I'm always here for you if you ever want to talk, xxxxxx
    Becky Shannon xx - Life-by-Becky

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    1. Aw bless you, I feel for you :( If you ever need a chat I'm here lovely xxxx

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  17. Oh my god this is so so relevant to me. Drinking alcohol makes it exponentially worse the next day, or when I get tired. I wrote a post the other day about my ways of trying to tackle anxiety. I'm not claiming to be a professional, but I just wrote a little that I found helped me!

    https://fairystrange.wordpress.com/2016/01/28/talking-taboos/

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    1. Yes definitely! Ah I've checked it out! Thanks x

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  18. I've just read this (albeit rather rather late) and I can relate to this so much. Anxiety can feel overwhelming and inescapable and I hope that with the right treatment you can destroy the fucker than is anxiety. If you ever need to talk to anyone, my twitter handle @becloumar and email is rebeccalmarano@gmail.com. I may not be much help, but sometimes it's just nice to get it out ya know?

    Sending you hugs,
    Rebecca (www.becloumar.com)

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    1. Yes i definitely agree! Aw thank you :) That honestly means a lot Rebecca :) xxx

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